I hate that I look at food and only see numbers. It makes it so hard to eat unless I’m high. But when I’m high, I tend to binge, and then feel guilty afterward and end up restricting for the next week. I know that if I eat proper amounts throughout the day, every day I won’t have these cycles, but when I look at food, I just see numbers, and calories, and fat. I don’t even look at calories as units of fuel anymore, but rather units of weight.
I know that it’s not a healthy frame of thinking, but I’m working on it and trying to get myself out of the restrict/binge cycle. I’m terrified to gain all of that weight back though! I know that I need to eat proper and healthy, but I don’t want to gain weight and feel even more like a failure.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t like to eat in front of people that aren’t my immediate circle. I forced myself to make some teriyaki rice for lunch today, but i’m just sitting here staring at it. I’ve taken a few small nibbles, but it’s hard for me to dig into. I’m not feeling very hungry right now, but I know I should eat. It’s only 300 calories total, and I only was able to force myself to eat 1/3 of the damn thing.
I’ll figure it out. I’m just terrified of recovery. I still need to lose another 15-20 lbs. If I start eating normal, I know I’m going to gain weight. I feel like I’ll be okay with gaining a couple pounds if I’m able to get down to 110-115 because gaining anything will just bring me to 115-120 and I should be able to be okay with that weight and can maintain that. I’m almost there. I’m at 129 right now.
I’ll figure it out. It’s just tough and terrifying. I wish I could just be healthy and not have to reprogram myself to relearn healthy habits rather than all of the bad ones I’ve learned over the years.
It’s extrememly hard when you work in the cube farm. So many potlucks. So many random ‘special treats’. It’s unbelievably sweet for everyone to come together and share in conversation and food with each other, but for people like me it’s extremely stressful. I don’t want to eat in front of my co-workers, I don’t know what exactly is in every dish, so counting calories becomes a nightmare, and if I just stay away, everyone wonders why I’m not partaking and I feel like I’m being looked at or judged for not partaking in the calorie fest. It’s just a ton of stress. I just tell them that it’s not an ‘indulgence day’ so I can stay clear of it.
It’s just increasingly stressful to keep my issues hidden. I’ve always been so good at hiding my problems because I didn’t even know what all of my problems were. Now I’m working on figuring out how I feel with my new diagnoses and I have to deal with keeping them a secret from the outside. (I think the nurses know. They know I’m off, and they’ve seen my weightloss. They keep trying to feed me and hug me).
I have most of my anxiety under control, but when it comes to food, it’s a whole different story. It’s becoming a legitimate problem for me. It’s growing in size, and I fear that I’ll be known around the office as the ED girl.
I guess it’s that whole fear that everyone is talking about me and judging me. Once I realize that’s not true, I’ll calm down and feel less anxious about the entire thing.