Goodreads

I’m finally reading again. I haven’t been reading for quite some time. That whole “losing joy in activities that you used to enjoy” portion of the depression. Now I’ve been racing through books like my life depends on it. All I want to do with my day is read and write. Now I need to work through the OCD thoughts that are setting in. I need to find the balance in life and make sure that I’m not being stupid about my reading and that it’s not an escape from doing things in life that I need to be doing.

On the positive side, I’m back on Goodreads (find me if you’d like; CraveLunacy). I’ve set a challenge for myself that I have to read 10 books by the end of the year. That gives me 4.5 months to read 10 books, which is plenty of time if I know my typical reading speed. I started the goal at the beginning of the month and have already completed two books, and am on page 65/288 of book 3 that I started on Saturday. I’m just excited that I can get completely submersed within the text like I used to do.

It’s good though, my finding my love for reading once again. My daughter has always been the same way and has always really loved her books. Now I started taking her to the library as well, to try to get her excited about academics and reading. She’s really taking to it and loves that she’s already able to read. She’s doing an AMAZING job! I couldn’t be more proud of her for all of her hard work! I just need to continue to work on myself in all aspects of my life so that she can continue to be happy and healthy!

 

Remembering

I really need to remember to post my entries that I write during work when I get home. I’d post them also from work, but I don’t have access to WordPress on this network. Or rather, I don’t have complete access due to outdated web browsers.
I need to remember that before bed, I should log on every time I have something new to post it. Posting things and keeping my thoughts open is a key to the success of my recovery, I feel. It’s part of my plan. I need to follow-through on all of my personal plans just as I do with work. I’m just as important as work, and can’t brush myself off like I always do. I just need to remind myself that as well. I’m important enough to take five minutes of time for myself to post journal entries online. If this is something that I feel is important for my recovery, I need to put an honest foot forward, and make time for myself with even these smallest of things.

Passive-Aggressive Personalities Before 9AM (7/10/2014)

No. Simply put, no.
I’m no longer holding myself responsible for anything that comes out of my mouth towards people who are directing passive-aggressive behaviors at me before 9:00 AM.  That’s not an appropriate way to start the day.
I’m the queen of feeling like shit and having a crappy start to my day, but I never take it out on others.  I’m tired of these self-righteous clinicians that think they are “holier than thou” and should always get what they want. I’m tired of them putting me in the middle just because they don’t like each other’s programs.
I’m done playing their games. If they want to put me in the middle, I’m not going to sit idly by while they through temper tantrums and expect me to play middle man. They can go fuck themselves with all of that.
See, instead of me putting my frustrations back at them, I’m just venting about it here.  Would I actually become snarky with either of them? Of course not. I value my professionalism WAY too much for that. Sometimes I hate that I care so much about how I’m viewed at work. I’ve built my reputation, and I don’t want anything to ruin it. I’m seen here as level-headed, talented, efficient, accurate, professional, and I always follow-through. They know that I’m dependable and reliable. I would hate for one stupid angry comment to bring that all down. Rationally, I know that if I pissed off one person, it wouldn’t be the end of things, but why bother. Just because these assholes are in a pissing match, I’m not involved, so I will simply smile and do my job. If they get too stupid, I’ll elevate the issue and they can handle it from there.  There is no reason for me to let it drag my day down.
People are stupid. I’m glad I don’t have to work with the general public anymore. I’m much better at doing analytical tasks than I am with dealing with people. Or rather, I’m great in dealing with people and customer relations, however I loathe having to use my customer service voice all day and fake a cheesy ass smile just to please others. I like hiding behind my computer and numbers. They are soothing and comfortable for me. It suits me.
I will continue to have an upbeat and positive day. I won’t let silly people get the best of me. I’m better than that.

Food Anxiety (7/3/2014)

I hate that I look at food and only see numbers. It makes it so hard to eat unless I’m high. But when I’m high, I tend to binge, and then feel guilty afterward and end up restricting for the next week. I know that if I eat proper amounts throughout the day, every day I won’t have these cycles, but when I look at food, I just see numbers, and calories, and fat. I don’t even look at calories as units of fuel anymore, but rather units of weight.
I know that it’s not a healthy frame of thinking, but I’m working on it and trying to get myself out of the restrict/binge cycle. I’m terrified to gain all of that weight back though! I know that I need to eat proper and healthy, but I don’t want to gain weight and feel even more like a failure.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t like to eat in front of people that aren’t my immediate circle. I forced myself to make some teriyaki rice for lunch today, but i’m just sitting here staring at it. I’ve taken a few small nibbles, but it’s hard for me to dig into. I’m not feeling very hungry right now, but I know I should eat. It’s only 300 calories total, and I only was able to force myself to eat 1/3 of the damn thing.
I’ll figure it out. I’m just terrified of recovery. I still need to lose another 15-20 lbs. If I start eating normal, I know I’m going to gain weight. I feel like I’ll be okay with gaining a couple pounds if I’m able to get down to 110-115 because gaining anything will just bring me to 115-120 and I should be able to be okay with that weight and can maintain that. I’m almost there. I’m at 129 right now.
I’ll figure it out. It’s just tough and terrifying. I wish I could just be healthy and not have to reprogram myself to relearn healthy habits rather than all of the bad ones I’ve learned over the years.
It’s extrememly hard when you work in the cube farm. So many potlucks. So many random ‘special treats’. It’s unbelievably sweet for everyone to come together and share in conversation and food with each other, but for people like me it’s extremely stressful. I don’t want to eat in front of my co-workers, I don’t know what exactly is in every dish, so counting calories becomes a nightmare, and if I just stay away, everyone wonders why I’m not partaking and I feel like I’m being looked at or judged for not partaking in the calorie fest. It’s just a ton of stress. I just tell them that it’s not an ‘indulgence day’ so I can stay clear of it.
It’s just increasingly stressful to keep my issues hidden. I’ve always been so good at hiding my problems because I didn’t even know what all of my problems were. Now I’m working on figuring out how I feel with my new diagnoses and I have to deal with keeping them a secret from the outside. (I think the nurses know. They know I’m off, and they’ve seen my weightloss. They keep trying to feed me and hug me).
I have most of my anxiety under control, but when it comes to food, it’s a whole different story. It’s becoming a legitimate problem for me. It’s growing in size, and I fear that I’ll be known around the office as the ED girl.
I guess it’s that whole fear that everyone is talking about me and judging me. Once I realize that’s not true, I’ll calm down and feel less anxious about the entire thing.

Day 9 of Recovery (7/3/2014)

Today is increasingly difficult. In the start of the day, I felt like, “I’ve got this. I can make it through today,” knowing that I have a 3-Day weekend ahead of me. Now I just want to submit another vacation request and just go home and stare at the wall. I know that is completely counteractive to me feeling better, so I’m not going to succumb to that.  I also have meeting and obligations that I’ve agreed to today.I only have 4 more hours for the day, and 30 minutes of that is supposed to be a break. I can make it through today.
I need to get my headphones back in, because it’s sounding like social hour outside of my cubicle, and it’s starting to sound like the obsessive thoughts that I get in my head. That scattered sound of jumbled voices that are all talking over each other because there are about 3-4 conversations being had in the same area. It’s unbelievably anxiety creating, and the sound just makes me want to crawl under my desk and hide.
I really wish I could get away with smoking before work. Not enough to get completely stoned, just enough Jack to get me focused. I’m staying the hell away from caffeine for my anxiety, and I do take B12 everyday, but I just can’t seem to focus that easy without it at times. I had some yesterday for the first time in a while, and it was AMAZING. I felt so much better! I felt uplifted, focused, motivated, and happy. And when the high wore off, I was still left feeling like everything is going to be okay, and I felt clear headed. I wish it was more socially acceptable. I wish I could tell my mom that I smoke, without having to worry about her judgements.
I’m really focusing on this coming weekend. My boyfriend and his munchkin are coming over for the 4th of July, and it should be a lot of fun. We can just relax and watch fireworks, take the girls to the park, go fishing, and just relax and enjoy the sunshine and light of day. Being with my little family always makes me feel good. It always lets me forget about all of the misery I’ve been feeling. I know I shouldn’t have an emotional dependance on them, but I always really look forward to seeing them. I could really use some of that right now.
Now I’m looking at 3 more hours to my day, but I have a mind-numbing meeting to look forward to in 20 minutes and training for the rest of the day with my new supervisor, who I adore, so the rest of today should be easier to get through. I’ll feel very accomplished and proud of myself for making it through the entire day.
I can do this.

New Strains

I purchased some new strains yesterday. I decided to try out a delivery service that had RAVING reviews. They were extremely discreet and professional, and I’ll definintely be using their services more often.
I finally got my hands on some more Jack, which I’ve been missing. It REALLY helps me to focus and concentrate, and not feel lethargic or locked. I feel spunky and happy and like I want to get stuff done. What I found is called Critical Jack, so it’s a nice blend of Critical Mass and Jack Herer.
I also found a really nice nighttime smoke that completely knocked me on my ass! Darth Vader OG to the rescue! I’ve been sleeping like complete crap lately, and this eased me into a dreamless sleep and kept me there all night. I woke up feeling more rested and relaxed than I have in a very long time, and it didn’t leave me dragging this morning.
I got a few other strains to taste test: Cadillac Cookies, Orange Kush, and Candyland. These buds were beautiful too. Expertly grown, indoor, premium product. 🙂

Rough Day (7/3/2014)

Wednesday was a rough day. Come to think of it, Tuesday was pretty rough too. I called in sick to work both days, and I also accidentally fell asleep when I should have been walking out the door to my 4th session.
I felt like a complete failure yesterday for allowing myself to call in to work and for not going to my session. I felt like I let the depression win. I was hysterical most of the day, but fortunately for me, yesterday I still sent my daughter to pre-school so she wouldn’t be missing anything, and my roommate worked the beginning half of the day, so I had the house completely to myself to veg out and cry, without feeling any judgement. I’m not saying she would ever judge me, because I know her too well for that, but I still feel judged because of the way my own mind works. I judge myself so harshly, so I have it in my head that everyone is talking about me and judging me, even if it’s never the case.
I felt completely broken yesterday. It was just a REALLY bad day. I was able to pull myself out of it after talking with my mom and boyfriend though. They both made me realize that I’m allowed to have rough days, especially with all of the internal misery I’m working through. I’m going to have more bad days in the future, but to not let them dictate my life. I won’t feel completely stable and have all of my past problems resolved for another couple of years, I’m sure. I know recovery for what I’m dealing with is not an overnight thing. I know that I will get better. I just need to push forward and quit beating myself up so heavily.
I will get better.